Catholic Guilt

Yea, you heard that right. I was invalidly and unhappily married for FIVE YEARS before finally pursuing divorce and a declaration of nullity (God willing). Catholic commentators who laughingly teach that you’re stuck in marriage no matter what are cruel. The ones who joke like ‘be careful choosing your spouse because it’s your own fault if they’re awful’ are at best damaging lives and at worst instruments of Satan. I feel strongly about this, because it’s the very podcasters I turned to as a new convert to learn theology and Catholic social teaching that perpetrated the Catholic guilt that held me in an abusive marriage for so long. (To be fair, my decisions aren’t their fault. But their ‘advice’ was too late for me, apparently.) Catholic Guilt Thoughts Once separated from my now ex-husband and in extensive therapy, I asked questions like: ‘how could I have been so foolish to marry him?’ ‘Why didn’t I see or why did I ignore ALL the red flags?’ (Perhaps it was because we got married at 20 without dating for more than a year and a half, ignoring that we argued all the time while dating, and that I had feelings for my toxic ex boyfriend still. Yikes.) Worse still, I thought: ‘this is your fault. Now you must lie in the bed you’ve made. The Church sees your marriage as valid, so you must make it work.’ So that’s what I tried. For years. And guess what? It never worked. Sure there were good times mixed in the miserable. I reckon most spouses aren’t abused all the time. Just enough good times to make acceptance and denial flourish. I’ll never forget the countless nights he wanted to make ‘love’ and I was desperate to go to sleep. I thought for the longest time it was normal to feel too unloved and unsafe to have sex. Thought I was some sort of prude. And then I remembered: I had no trouble at all with this before marriage (this sin being one I am most ashamed of). One night, I prayed to Pope Saint John Paul II while having sex. (And yes, I know it’s a bit odd to admit that is what I was thinking about during marital relations. You have to understand, this was the ‘fulfilling the marital debt’ kind of making love and not the ‘wow, I love you, this is life giving and renewing our marriage vows’ kind of making love.) I asked JPII to please help me to enjoy receiving my husband. Or to at least be able to pretend to long enough so that it would end sooner. Why these thoughts were not bright red flags in my mind, I just don’t know. The alarms should’ve been going off: THIS IS NOT NORMAL! THIS IS NOT COMMON! PLEASE CONSULT A PRIEST! But we had a baby. And familial expectations. So… Catholic guilt won the night. And the next. And the next… There wasn’t one single ‘aha’ moment for me. It was years and years of my brain digging up red flags that I had buried deep in the recesses of my brain. I dusted the dirt off a flag: “Drinks alcohol every night. Gets blackout drunk. Embarrasses me in front of my friends and family for the entire dating and married relationship.” I’d think: It’s just a character flaw. A lot of young guys probably do this. I stopped thinking that when I finally attended an Al-Anon meeting and met other men and women whose spouses ruined their trust and marriages by doing the same. Another flag unearthed: “He didn’t want to have kids. And now he spends all night out in his shed instead of with me and our kids.” Thought: I shouldn’t have gotten onto him about that third beer. I’m such a nag. No wonder he doesn’t want to hang out with me. Eventually, my mom pointed out to me that he drank an entire handle of whiskey over our two night stay with them. It took a lot to snap me out of denial on his drinking addiction. Looking back, I see now that the road I’ve traveled—full of pain, guilt, and confusion—has ultimately led me closer to Christ and to understanding the dignity He desires for all of us. If you find yourself in a similar situation, know that you are not alone. The Church does not condemn you for seeking safety, peace, and clarity in your life. The phrase ‘Catholic guilt’ is oxymoronic because there is nothing Catholic about shame and guilt. It is the tool of Satan to tempt Christians into desolation and sin.The only time we should be ashamed is when our conscience informs us we are purposefully choosing to sin (to offend Our Lord).Healing takes time, patience, and a willingness to confront truths we’d rather ignore. But it’s worth it. I’ve learned that God’s mercy is bigger than my mistakes and that the Church, in her wisdom, provides a path forward for those of us grappling with broken relationships. If you’re struggling, I encourage you to seek counsel from a trusted priest or therapist, and don’t hesitate to explore resources like Al-Anon or diocesan annulment workshops. Remember, God calls us to holiness—not to remain in situations that prevent us from fully living the life He intended for us. Let’s continue this conversation. Have you experienced a similar journey? Share your thoughts in the comments, or feel free to reach out. Together, we can support and uplift one another as we navigate the complex realities of marriage, faith, and healing.